when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize