They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
And then he peed in my hair
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