he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
