Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize