she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
