i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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