she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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