I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
