my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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