Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
