you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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