we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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