Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
