put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
