yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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