Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
