I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
