You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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