Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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