I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize