i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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