The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
