Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
