ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Randomize
