I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
