I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
She's like a pop up book from hell.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
