A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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