Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
