Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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