I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
