Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
