U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
