My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
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