My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
