i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
This is my gift to your gina
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
