I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
