he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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