he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
