Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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