That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
