First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
