I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I can't turn off my feet"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
