My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
