God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
there's paper in my vomit.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
