someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
