Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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