Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
