Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
