I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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