I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
