Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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