Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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