i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
This house was built for laser tag.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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