can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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