My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
