Betty ford says i'm here all night
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
